I don’t even know how great of a story it is. But um, so I, when I was in the third grade, I had this bike. Um, it was like a really fuckin amazing bike, alright. So I’m riding my bike and then my mom had this friend, her uh, her name was ah, Sandy. Sandy was, ah, this coworker that my mom had. And she, eh, her family was like crazy. Her husband was really crazy. Her children were all like, sons of bitches. Her whole family, her daughter- they were all fuckin nutty as hell. So when her son comes over, he’s like, “Can I ride your bike?” I’m like, “Sure. Ride my bike.” He’s ridin my bike and n then he crashes my gears into like- my entire neighborhood was built on a sl- on a slant. So each yard looked like a, like a step on a, on a stair. So your yard’ll go over like this (using hands to help create visual) n then you like this big like retainer wall keeping your yard from literally spilling into the wall- into the yard next to it. So like a big fuckin, wall that keeps your yard level. And then the next yard’s there n it’s completely level n there’s a big retainer wall keepin your yard from spillin to the next yard. Anyway.
He crashes my gear into one of the walls, right. N my uncle Scotty’s like, “Oh I’ll fix it.” My uncle Scotty by the way can’t fix anything. He, he’s, he’s horrible at fixing anything. So he tries to fix my bike. My bike was out of commission for like threeee months I want to say. Probably. Finally wh- when my bike’s back in commission. My bike’s finally back in commission. He goes um, he’s like, “Oh, your bike’s fixed. You can ride your bike now.” My- bear in mind my neighborhood is a very steep hill. Like my whole neighborhood is on a- like a hill. A cir- it’s a circle. In Phenix City, Alabama. Um, it’s a very steep hill, OK.
(clap once) So I naturally take my bike to the top of the steepest hill. And like wsgonna ride down, ride down the hill. So I hop on my bike. Remember I hadn’t ridden a bike in like three mo- three months at this point. Ridin down the hill goin “Woooo. Yaaahaaa!” And all of the sudden the bike’s like, “Gggggggg.” Like the bike started shaking really fer-viciously. And I’m like, “Oh no.” So naturally I slam on the brakes and I fly over the handlebars, like over the handlebars like this (arms circling over his head in slow motion). And then I hit the ground, face first. My face hits the ground. But my body still has not yet hit the ground. But I skip off my face. Like, (motioning with hands) “Pshhh.” N then I hit the ground again. N my body is still completely, ah, g- diagonal to the ground. Then I hit the ground one more time. I skipped three times. And I land on my, on my, face. And then my bike, falls on top of me. And then I like try like to get up but I just like faint and pass out.
And then, I wake up and there’s this lady who I used to be afraid of cause ahh- when you’re like, I don’t know how it is everywhere other else in the world, but ah, you’re raised to be afraid of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Like when they knock on your door everyone like, “Run! Hide! Don’t look out the windows! Don’t breathe! Don’t let them know you’re, d- home!” So we’re like, I’m like afraid of Jehovah’s Witnesses cause d- my mom jus didn’t want to talk to them.
There’s this one Jehovah’s Witness lady in r neighborhuud. N she’s like (raising hands above his head) praying over me. Cause she thought I was dead. I was jus laying- it look like someone hit me with a car. There’s blood around me. There’s a bike on top of me. I was passed out. I must’ve been looking dead. She’s praying ta, aye, Jehovah (laughs) over me. And then um I look up and there’s a fire truck, an ambulance, and a police car. Cause it looks like I got hit by a car n someone jus drove away. The whole neighborhood is out. They’re all out standin aroun like, “(gasp twice) Chris got hit by a car! Chris’s been hit by a car!”
N then this one guy he goes right- he goes um, “Martha, um, your son-” No this kid goes over first wlike, “Miss Caldwell, Chris got ah, Chris’s in the middle- eget- fell off his bike.” N my mom’s like, “Uh, oh he jus fell off his bike whatever.” Nen this grown man comes by he’s like, “Ahhh, Miss Caldwell, your son is ah lying in the street.” So my momws like, “Laaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!” N she like runs all the way frm, frm our house to, the scene of the crime. Where I’m jus laying there. N shews like rollin over n ws just, “OhohohohohAhhhhhh!Laaaard’vemercy!”
N then, the the firemen ahm, carried me back to my house. N he put me on the couch. N she’s crying. I’m like, I haven’t cried. I’m still in like shock the whole time. N then they try to like take my p- they’like “We have to take your pants off. Now, d’ ya want us to cut the pants off you or do you want us to take the pants off you?” N I wslike, “Jus, cut em off.” N my mom stopped crying for a secnd. She was like, “Do not, cut those pants! Take them off!” Then she goes back to crying again. N then ahm, so they, they, they take my pants off. I ws like- (motioning to right leg) this whole side of my leg, the whole right side is compl- like raz- y’ever heard of a raz- we called em raspberries down south. All the skin’s completely gone on the right sidea my leg. A chunk a my face. My ah, on my chest a little bit. N my lip hurts. And um, so they, they bandaged me up. Everyone left.
N all my friends were at my house at this point in time too. But they were all in my room playing my Sega Saturn. I don’t even know what a Sega Saturn is. Itwslike the, the most failed, game console that ever did exist. No one ever- I was the only kid who ever owned a Sega Saturn.
They were playing my Sega Saturn, and I went to the b- ah, to the bathroom. To look at my- I went to the bathroom to look at myself. And I just like, I looked in the mirror, (pointing to tooth) and my left front tooth, half of it was completely gone. I just saw it. I just started cry- Iwslike, (sobbing sound) “Uhuhu.” Ijustarted crying buckets. N my friends were fuckin playing my video games living in the lap of luxury, while I had a fuckin half a tooth, and raspberries and my mom made me- made them rip pants off my bloody, nine-year-old body.
And then I rechipped my tooth in tenth grade. So I had it fixed like a year- like a year later. Buiwslikejuslike an acrylic n it snapped off in tenth grade. No it sss- no not in tenth grade. In like, fifth grade. So my tooth was chipped from fifth grade until tenth grade. (short cough) Cause the doctor’s like, “No we’re not gonna fix your tooth cause you’re gonna keep growing.” And, so I had a chipped tooth- half a tooth in the front of my mouth which is horrible, for your self-esteem. When you’re a kid with a half a tooth. N other kids will always remind you of how shitty your fuckin teeth are. When you have (laugh) half a tooth.