ANONYMOUS

TWIN FALLS, ID

I dated Jason for three months. Um, Jason and I have like, the most crazy, epic story. And I don’t- I’ve only told a couple people the entire story in its entirety. And um, so, I think I can tell you, (slight “heh heh”) the whole thing. Jason, um, Jason killed himself in 2003. And, ah, he and I went to high school together, in Twin Falls, Idaho. And let’s see. (sigh) He, um, he and I rode the bus to school in junior high. And we had an art class togetherrrour first year of high school in tenth grade. And he, n- we kind of flirted back and forth, ah but I had a boyfriend. And, um, I kinda liked Jason bit, I don’t know I had I kinda had pressure, ah, from my family n from the community to really date my boyfriend who I went to church with. And it was like, we were supposed to get married. We were so young but I felt, like, that’s what it- that’s what we were supposed to do. And that was kind of my plan. And so I hadn’t dated a whole bunch. Um, an I went, ta Jason’s house after school, um, when we were younger. And, uh, he pretty much forced himself- we made out n then he forced himself on me. And um, the first time I had sex, uh, I was raped, by Jason (slight “huh u”). And um (beat) I kind of played it off. I- I ws- I didn’t cry. I was pretty stoic about it. And um, I don’t even think that I had words for it. I din’t think of it as rape at the time. I just thought of it as, ah, really painful n unenjoyable sex. Um, bu like, “Wow that didn’t quite work.” And I felt this incredible guilt because I had this boyfriend, that I was supposed to be, maybe gonna marry one day. Like, ya know, we were the Christian kids that went ta church together every Sunday n youth group n blah, blah, blah. And Jason was kind of like, um, a little bit of an outcast at school. To some extent he was like a stoner and I was probably a bit more on the popular side from the outside looking in. And um, um, like my family had money n stu- n stuff like that. End, eh, so, ah, I kind of just avoided Jason for the rest of high school. And then, I moved back, into my folks house in 2003 when, um after I had gone to school in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I’d bought a house there with my boyfriend. N we’d owned this house together for five years. N then we broke up. N I had a slipped disk. And I kinda had this come apart. And I was really depressed. I had a, a few suicide attempts, and myself. N I moved back to Twin Falls to kinda put myself back together. And ah, I ran into Jason n I can’t even remember where, I ran into him. I was drinking, ant, um, drinking every night n living with my parents and sort of half ass looking for a job. And Jason was really depressed as well. And had never left Twin Falls except for, I think six months he said he went to LA. And, um, dated again, ah, in 2003. But hes- he got progressively strange around me. He, ah, (beat) had an obsession with guns n he told me that he could see things like monsters ant um, the way he talked about em I could tell that he wasn’t being insincere into the vision that he had. So I, I think maybe he was schizophrenic. I’m not sure. And ah, I started you know- eif I, if I hadn’t been so depressed I think tht, a lot of people he had dated before quickly got out of the relationships but I spent three months with him. N then at some point I jus, ahum, lesee I broke up with him n then ah, he ran over a mosaic table that we had made together for his mom. He ran over it in my driveway. And that really scared me so I called the women’s hotline n ta ask for advice like, ho do you deal with an abusive boyfriend? And um, like or can I call the cops? Or what do I do, casue he hd threatened to kill me n kill himself. And, he and I’d both suicide attempts. And ah, (beat) one night he came knocking on the door after like sending me lots of notes n threats n phone calls. And I told him to go away. And he went around the back yard n knocked on the back, um, sliding glass door and um, I told him to fuck off.

 

(Jason, in shadow, knocks hard on sliding glass door.)

 

(short out breath) “Jason, fuck off!” N then he, ah, musta got into his car n shot himself. And I don’t know what the time frame was cause that was like nn eleven a clock midnight. N then an, that was a Saturday night. N Sunday morning, um, he had ah, shot himself through the head, with a, with a shot gun. In his car. (pause) And, ah, ya know when I, when I met back up with him, we started dating, um in 2003, he, he’s a, he’s a small, a really small slender fey looking guy. He loved heavy metal and ah, he had long hair. Um, like if you think of, I tryin to think of who- he had hair kind of like Van Halen, (starting to smile and laugh) n someways I think he would hate it if I- (laughing uhehhehhehheh) if he hd me say that. And um, he was jus kind of like a fey, fairy, metal guy, uh, n a lotta people wondered if he was gay. N everyone always in Twin Falls was tryin to figure out what his ethnicity was cause he’s, I think he’s Itallian- I don’t even known what all of his background was. But he’s kind of like, really dark, gorgeous hair. Hejust a really handsome, human. High cheek bones. He might’ve had native, like a Native American too. I don’t know. But he ah, was just a very unique looking person. N I think he got a lot of shit for that. I think he had a hard time, in life. Um, for a lot of different reasons. Bet uh, we tal- ya know I talked to him about liking girls n how I’d come to terms with that n he talked about- n I never knew like all through high school nd even as an adult he’d been, given a hard time, like really harassed a lot, for his looks, for his ethnicity, for his femininness. Like perceived, um. And ah, I don’t know. I was really really angry about it for a long time. Like angry at his family, n angry at the community, n angry at him for killing himself. And um, now, I, still feel confused n sad, about it. But I kinda feel like I’ve forgiven him, nd, still feel angry at the community I guess, (laugh huhuhu).

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